


In This Silence

by lipservice (thescariestadverbs)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:31:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescariestadverbs/pseuds/lipservice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Dean, it wasn’t your fault,” Sam says, “He couldn’t swim.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	In This Silence

_Heaven holds a sense of wonder_  
 _And I wanted to believe_  
 _That I'd get caught up_  
 _When the rage in me subsides_

I’m late. I feel like I am always late these days and I just can’t seem to catch up. Splitting my time between Cas and Sam is just getting harder and harder. Sam always wants to know where I’m going. Why I am going. He just doesn’t seem to understand, I really thought he would, after everything we have been through I believed he would.

Cas is waiting for me by the river. His back is to me and he’s staring at the sunset. I wish I could see his face as he looks at it. I stumble, overwhelmed for a moment by his beauty. 

“You’re late.” He says without turning around, “I thought you were supposed to be back yesterday.” 

“I’m sorry,” I come to a stop beside him. The air by the water is cool and fresh. I pause and take a deep breath, enjoying the smell of the trees around us. We can stand here at the edge of the world and forget all the darkness and destruction. “We left late. I would have called.” 

Cas shrugs, “I was worried.” 

“You don’t have to worry about me,” I smile and take his hand loosely, “I can handle myself.” His skin is cool to the touch. Has he been spending too much time by the water?

He frowns at this and sighs, “I can’t feel you anymore.” 

I turn so I am facing him. I press my palm to his cheek, “You can feel this, can’t you?” He closes his eyes. I lean in and kiss him softly. He kisses me back with such urgency that I have to grab his waist to keep from falling over. It’s moments like this that I wish we would never have to come up for air, when all I want to do is lose myself in him. 

I press my forehead to his and just listen to him breathe for a moment. Even his forehead is cold. “You should come back to the motel with me. Sam will understand.” I say even though I don’t believe it. Cas has become such touchy subject between us. “You are so cold.” 

He smiles sadly and a tear rolls down his cheek, “You know I have to stay here.”

“We have to leave again in the morning,” I sigh, “I don’t know for how long. Maybe a week. Cas, please, I’m so tired of leaving you. Come with us.” 

He kisses me, hard, “I can’t. But I will wait for you, Dean.” He slides his hands under my t-shirt and along the waist band of my jeans, “Let’s not worry about tomorrow.” 

I slip my jacket off and pull my shirt over my head. It’s so easy to ignore the cold breeze with his hands on me. It’s so easy to ignore tomorrow with his hands on me. We can stand here at the edge of the world and forget everything. 

He’s fumbling with his shirt buttons and it takes everything in me not to just tear it off. I kiss him hungrily, feeling the ripple of his muscles under his skin. I’m so hard it hurts. There is nothing like kissing Castiel, nothing like feeling his skin against mine. I all but growl as he works the top button of my jeans open. 

He takes me in his mouth and I can’t help but moan. I’m suddenly grateful that we are alone and there is a forest between us and civilization. I’d probably shoot someone if they interrupted us now. I run my hands through his hair, he’s just so goddamned beautiful. My fallen angel on his knees. 

He whispers my name. I push him to the ground and kiss him. I’m trying to work his belt but the damn thing is so confusing it takes forever to get undone. He’s moaning and writhing against my touch, I’m surprised I don’t come from that alone. “Dean, please,” he makes this low, gutteral noise in his throat and it somehow makes me even harder. 

I bury myself in him and stop for a moment. I watch his face, his body, the way he reacts to me. It’s so fucking captivating. I rest my forehead to his and slowly start to move again. He arches up and kisses me. It doesn’t take long before he’s saying my name over and over and over and we are both losing control. 

The cool ground is welcoming after. We both lay on our backs, side by side, giving the moment a chance to subside. The sun has gone down completely. I take a minute to enjoy his face in the moonlight. 

“Dean?” We both hear the voice. It sounds far enough away but when it calls again it’s getting closer. We rush to get dressed.

“It’s Sam.” Cas whispers to me, “You’d better get going.” 

I wonder what time it is, that Sam felt he needed to come looking for me, “Cas, I –...“

“Dean!” Sam calls out again, sounding increasingly worried. 

“I’m over here!” I yell before turning back to Cas. “Cas...”

“I know,” Cas smiles sadly, “I’ll be here, Dean.” 

I hear footsteps and turn around to see Sam running over. “What are you doing out here by yourself?”

I look behind me and Cas is gone. “I... well Cas...” 

At Castiel’s name Sam sighs, “Dean, you have to stop this. It’s not good for you.” 

“I thought you of all people would understand,” I’m so angry with him. He had to interrupt our one night in weeks to yell at me, “I... I love him.”

Sam runs a hand through his hair, “Dean, there is somewhere we need to go.” He turns of his heels and starts back towards the road. I look at the river and the trees, hoping to catch a glimpse of Cas before we leave. 

We drive through the rest of the night, Sam at the wheel. He hasn’t spoken to me since we left the river. We drive for what feels like days but is probably hours. Sam doesn’t sleep, I don’t sleep. We don’t speak. Finally, Sam comes to a stop by a cabin in another forest.

“It’s time,” he says.

I know where we are. I don’t want to go. I’m not ready. I don’t want to be ready. 

Sam opens my door and hold out his hand, “Dean, it’s time.”

We walk through the forest until we come to a clearing. Sam stops at the edge, “You have to do this on your own.” He looks at me so sadly, “I’ll wait here.”

Castiel’s grave is nothing special. I wish we could have buried him in a proper graveyard with a real headstone. Not some meadow in the middle of nowhere with a makeshift cross. Not in an iron coffin with symbols all over it. He deserves so much better. I walk over to it slowly; I can feel the bile rising in my throat.

I’m crying or screaming or maybe both. Maybe it’s just in my head. He shouldn’t have died. I should have protected him. He hadn’t been human that long. We were outnumbered. I shouldn’t have brought him in the first place. 

I feel Sam’s hand on my shoulder. I’m on my knees in front of Cas’s grave, sobbing. “Dean, it wasn’t your fault,” he says, “He couldn’t swim.”  
They threw him in the river, “I should have been quicker.” 

_When I pulled Cas from the water his skin was already cold. His lips were blue. I started CPR right away, trying so hard to breathe life into him.  
“Dean, I think he’s gone...” Sam was crying and there was blood all over his face. “He was down there for a long time.”_

_“No, he’s not.” I say, pushing on his chest._

_Sam grabbed my arm, “Let me try,” he said, “You’re getting tired.”_

We alternated for hours trying to revive him. He hadn’t been in the water for more than a few minutes but the water was so cold and his coat weighed him down. I doubt the demons knew he couldn’t swim. I think they pushed him in there by accident, trying to get to me or Sam. They weren’t there for Cas.  
Sam sits beside me while I cry. He lets me scream and pound the ground. He lets me yell and curse God for doing this to me. For doing it to Cas. I scream until I taste blood. I scream until I can’t scream anymore. 

“I never told him,” I whisper.

Sam wraps an arm around my shoulder, “Dean, he knew.” I let my brother hold me, “He stayed with us because of you.”

“But I never told him that I loved him.”

Sam is quiet for a moment. “It’s time to let him go. You’re what is keeping him here.”

I think about the night before, Cas at the river. I think about kissing him and holding his hand. I think about standing at the edge of the world with him. I’m not ready to let him go. I can’t. How can I go on without him? How can I go on knowing I couldn’t save him? How could I keep him here though, tied to the place he died?  
“I don’t know how.” 

“Yeah, you do.” Sam helps me to my feet, “You know what you have to do.”

I take my time driving back to the river. I just can’t wrap my head around what I am supposed to do. I just don’t know how to go on without him.  
Castiel is waiting for me by the river. His back is to me and he’s staring at the sunset. Just like he always is. I walk over to him and stand beside him. 

“Cas,” I whisper, “Cas, I think it’s time for you to move on.” I’m crying again. 

He looks surprised, “You want me to go?”

“I don’t want you to go but I think I need you to.” I kiss him softly, “I can’t keep coming back here. It’s not good for either of us.” I’m shaking, trying so hard to be strong. 

He pulls me to him and presses his cheek to mine, “I know. We’ve put this off for so long, Dean..” He leans back and smiles at me through his tears. He touches my cheek softly, “I love you,” he says, “I’ll be waiting.”

I’m standing at the river alone when Sam walks over. 

“How am I supposed to go on?” I ask him. 

“One day at a time,” he says, “Just one day at a time.”

 _In this white wave_  
 _I am sinking_  
 _In this silence_  
 _In this white wave_  
 _In this silence_  
 _I believe_  
Delerium ft. Sarah McLaughlin – Silence (Radio Edit)

-lipservice


End file.
